Yet Another Update

Hi guys, it's been a while! I recently went on an attempted thru hike of the Ocean to Lake Trail. I'm currently rendering my video about it, so I'll be linking it soon. I was unable to finish the hike, but I'm already thinking about going back for a second attempt. Keeping it short because I am tired and don't have much to say. I've been working and going to therapy. Nothing much else except coursework. Anyways, talk to you later. 

Little Update

Thought I should give an update on how things are going. I am currently very focused on saving for a Florida Trail thru hike at the beginning of 2023, and I'm also working on some songs, both cover songs and my own songs, with the hope of busking and doing open mic nights. I've been working nonstop. 

I'm here a few days after writing the previous paragraph. Just giving another little update. Things are not going well at work. It's been very slow and I'm not making as much as I planned. I'm looking forward to an Ocean to Lake YOYO in early November. Currently working, but I'll be back later to write more. ✌🏻

Officially Dropped Out of my Degree!

A huge burden and inconvenience has been lifted off of me. I am tired of feeling like I'm being dragged by the responsibilities of my courses which have no purpose to my goals or future. Such a worthless degree, for what? A piece of paper? No, my friend. I don't need to struggle more than I already do and for no reason. My goals just don't align with such a waste of time, and I could pursue a career in the field without that piece of paper. I'm so glad that I finally realized it. 

North Country Trail (NCT) Vermont to Adirondacks Mileage Data Sheet (as of 8/20/22)

 Hey there. I have just spent the last two hours or so going through the NCT interactive map, tracking all the miles and changes in the route to create a spreadsheet which has directions going Westbound from the Vermont terminus of the map to the end of the Central New York map (which ends at the beginning of the Adirondacks). The camping information might be incomplete and some sections of the map (specifically the NCT TAM Footpaths) seemed sketchy, but this is the best I could do. You can find the file Here.

First Time at the Climbing Gym

Wow, it's been a while. I've been at a period of low activity after hurting my knee, but I'm finally finding the strength to move forward. Yesterday I went to a rock climbing gym for the first time, and it was amazing! I don't have a harness yet, so I was planning on bouldering, but they lent me a harness and my life is forever changed! Thank you, auto belay! First I tried a route that I think was 5.7, it was easy and the crux was easily identifiable, but what I didn't consider was the fact that I had to let go to get down. At first I let go a little and then immediately grabbed on again. I started slowly inching down but it just wouldn't give me the force I thought I needed to let go. Until finally I just let go, thinking I was going to fall to my death. But it catched me, and I survived. I started laughing, releasing all my fear, feeling so caught up in the moment. I went again, this time faster, trying a different way. And then I let go again. I put it back on the hook, realizing I didn't want to take it up for too long, and someone clipped in and did a 5.10b! 

Next I tried one that was labeled orange, I think it was 5.8, and I did it, but I struggled for a bit. I kept trying different ones, even 5.9, and I finished a 5.9, but I can't even remember how I did it! Later I realized that there were more holds on the other side of the wall, after the arette. By then my arms were so tired that I could barely keep going, but I did. I kept trying different routes over and over, and by the time I realized I had to call it a day, I couldn't even hold on to a big jug. My arms were totally out. I also found that it was extremely difficult to reach holds, they seemed almost impossible. I'm eager to go back and keep trying. This is the best time of my life. 

My goal is to go every day, even though it takes me 2 hours to get there and 2 more to get back. Maybe one day I'll have a car and I'll get there faster. I secretly hope they need to hire someone one day, it would be amazing to work there. Anyways, I feel so good about it that I ran a 5K again this morning. Now I'm getting ready to go to work and make the money for my harness. I really wanted to go today, but I'll be very disappointed without a harness. I still haven't tried the bouldering because it's in plain view of the entrance and I'm shy. Also they don't really have many easy bouldering routes, or many at all. But yeah, ttyl!

Hit by a Car and Starting New Job Search

Thought this warrants an update. I got hit by a car while riding my bike and hurt my knee really badly. Currently on crutches and need to see an orthopedic doctor to see what will happen. I decided that it's in my best interest to get another job as soon as possible. After 9 hours of waiting and switching emergency rooms and urgent care center, I'm finally home. I could be dead right now. I'm grateful to be alive. I hope to walk soon and pray that I walk soon. I believe everything is going to be okay and I will get through this. I can't do much right now, but I can do my best to get better and get a job that doesn't risk my life. I'm likely never riding a bike on a road ever again. I hope it all works out. ✌🏻

Postponing my Start Date to Next Year

Hey future self. You'll be glad that you decided to wait another year to leave on this journey. You'll have a lot more money and will be more prepared than if you were to leave in a few months. Don't worry, this is still the #1 priority!! But this will give you time to get a job with your actual degree and make even more money from a comfortable place. You'll also be able to build your credit and have an emergency credit card if something goes wrong!! You'll be 100 times more prepared. Let's do this. December 2023, here we come!

Starting my Name Change Petition & Other Life Updates

What's up! I guess it's time to give an update. I'm still working towards my trekking poles, and I'll hopefully have them by the end of the week. In other news, I've started the process to legally change my name and gender marker!!! It's something that has become extremely important in planning my journey for several reasons. I think it's really important that my ID and passport match my visible gender, and as I'm preparing to leave for this journey and am hoping to sign up for races too, it's even more important to be able to have an accurate ID. One of my main concerns is reaching and crossing the Canadian border, because it would be so uncomfortable for my ID to look like someone else's! There was also so much stress about signing up for my first 5K, and I hope to have everything updated by then, fingers crossed. Not only this, but I worried about the trail association membership and my name, and I've also just been stressing over feeling like I'm lying when I tell someone my chosen name. I'm so grateful and thankful that there are people helping me with this, and the process will be hopefully completely free for me. I'm currently filing the papers and getting everything ready. I don't want to get too excited until it's finally completed. But, anyways, I can't wait!! Also, this morning I ran my fastest 5K again, and I got to under 8 minutes per mile pace!! I realized how important it is to stay rested and have enough sleep. I'm also focusing on drinking less because I know it affects my health and fitness. To avoid stress, I've been working in the late afternoon, avoiding the extreme UV levels. It has been working out for me. I'm napping and researching during the day when it's too hot to go outside. As an unfortunate side note, I might have to postpone my journey to next year, because I fear that I won't have enough money to do it. Maybe I'll start making money some other way, but it's looking like I might have to wait. In the long term, it won't matter. Unless I suddenly die before I get to leave, but let's not get that macabre. It's to be decided for now. I still have to try to sell a painting, maybe I can do some tutoring. Anyways.. that was my little update. 

Climbing Along the Route

Something I'm really looking forward to is climbing near the Appalachian trail. I've been checking out some locations on Mountain Project and I found several that are near the Appalachian trail. I need to be careful, sometimes I get cocky while climbing and I can feel myself losing control over my motions. It's important that I stay completely focused when I'm climbing free solo. I take deep breaths before and mentally prepare myself for what I'm going to do. It's important that there's nothing in my mind but the situation ahead of me. I can't get too excited either. The first rule of climbing, I feel, is to NEVER get cocky and never underestimate what you're about to do. I feel that with every climb my tolerance for danger increases and it's scary because this means I'm undertaking more and more risk. It's important to always make sure you're focused and prepared for what's ahead. With that said, I do want to experience climbs along the AT, and I'm excited for them, but I must also remain controlled and aware of the dangers I face by climbing without a rope. Anyways.. those are some thoughts. As a side point, never climb under the influence of alcohol or weed. And never climb when you lack sleep or are underfed. Pay attention to your body and how recovered you are from any prior exercise. Anyways.. that was my little lecture.. for myself and for anyone who is taking on these things. Stay safe and enjoy your life while you can. I'm looking forward to the future. 

Beating my 5K Personal Best Again!!!

 Just had to document how happy I am to have beat some of my records today. I'm so glad to be back to running after spraining my hamstring. I'm so happy. I could go for another 5K right now!

Planning on Pause

 Just thought I should give an update since it's been a while since my last post. I've been really struggling to save up for this journey and have lost momentum because my job requires physical energy and my body just needs some rest. I'm currently trying to find more ways to make money, and I'm thinking of getting a "real" job, but I'm not sure if I can do it.. Anyway.. that's what's been happening lately. I went to check out two more buildering sites but they weren't working out. I'll keep an eye out for more. It keeps work interesting. In other news, I found out that Frank Iero's music is vastly different from MCR's, and I discovered his old band, Leathermouth, and instantly fell in love with it. Not necessarily the lyrics, but the feeling and sound of the music is just incredible. I forgot how music can be an outlet for me. I'm glad I remembered this, and I feel it's definitely helping me. 

Climbing the Side of a Drawbridge?!?!

Today was a day like no other. I finally got to climb the side of a bridge I'd been eyeing for weeks. I wasn't sure I could do it because the holds were too small for feet, but I put on my climbing shoes and tried anyways, and I did it! I actually did it. I had to try different locations because some holds were too difficult to get my hands in. I found a way to the top, but not really! I didn't get over the bridge edge, I just reached a point near it. I think there could be a solution that takes me to the top of the bridge. I'd have to go back and try. There was a tricky section when I was descending, and I had to adjust my feet and move quickly to avoid falling on that area. My heart was racing and I felt like I was balancing on a rope. My mind was simultaneously full of energy and calm focus. I feel much more capable of climbing than ever before, but I also know that I could've been seriously injured. Anyways, it was amazing. I did take a risk.. I guess I couldn't just let it go.. I needed to keep trying, and I'm glad I did. 

 

Thermarest's Morbidly Hilarious Sleeping Bag Video

So I'm watching a video by Thermarest on their zero degree Parsec sleeping bag, and at the end of the video the lady says "rest peacefully under the stars." I screech, "WHAT?!" and I start laughing. Rest in peace?! I'm trying to stay alive here! Hahaha! 

First of all.. the sleeping bag is mummy shaped.. mummies are dead! Secondly, the bag is named Parsec, as if you're ready for space travel! What!? Space is freezing! You'll die in space without protection! Thirdly, rest peacefully?! Gosh, Thermarest, you guys really didn't think this through.. hahahaha. Or maybe they did and it's just a morbid inside joke. It's kind of scary if you think about it.. what if I use the bag and I freeze to death overnight?! 

Anyways.. I thought it'd be nice to have a good laugh. 

Going Slow, But Making Progress

I sprained my hamstring yesterday while running. Although I'm really happy to have beat my personal record for a 5K, I'm really upset because I can't run. My desire to run has never been more obvious to me. Now that I can't, I want to 100 times more than I did before. Unfortunately I must care for my hamstring and avoid running. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes I'm too caught up in my mind that I can pretend it doesn't. I've been working towards my first trail runners, and surprisingly, riding a bike hurts less than walking! I guess it's because my leg isn't fully extended. 

So, my first trail runners... Honestly, I have no idea which ones I'm going to buy. I might go for my first road running shoes first because I feel they would be more useful. I've been eyeing the Saucony Kinvara 13. I've been wondering if I should try to transition to zero drop shoes. The reality is I think my hamstring pull was caused by the cushion on my shoes. It just doesn't feel as secure as I want it to feel. I'm currently wearing hand-me-down Sketchers and they aren't great. Apart from being too short, as you need extra space for toe bangs, they also move around too much and slip off my heel. Anyways.... That's my next goal.. shoes.

Besides that... Today I got a compliment on my oil pastel painting of Nimblewill Nomad! I am planning on getting some paper so that I can try to sell my first painting. I'm very excited about it. 

Anyways.. time to eat some food and relax.. I've been stressing out over this journey and if I'll be able to afford it. My therapist says it sounds like something you'll see on a documentary or book. Maybe it will be! Who knows.. It doesn't matter in the end. I'm doing this because it's my dream and it's my destiny. Even if I have to postpone my journey to next year, I KNOW I'm going, no matter what. 

Talk to you soon..

-Alex

Connecting the Appalachian Trail and the North Country Trail through the Long Trail

 Connecting trails has become a key point in planning my journey. Today I began to research the gap between the Appalachian trail and the North Country trail. To my surprise, it wasn't as difficult as I expected. Here's what I found:

• The NCT has been extended into Vermont and intersects the Long Trail (the map includes planned portions of the trail which might not be completed).
• The Long Trail runs south and intersects the Appalachian Trail near route 4.
  
  

The NCT ends here.
NST Map Provided by NPS at https://nps.maps.arcgis.com/apps/webappviewer/index.html?id=d89951079a374f28ab4a3b9fc41025dd

The LT intersects the NCT. 
https://www.greenbelly.co/pages/the-long-trail-vermont-map-thru-hike-planning

The LT intersects at Route 4. 
https://www.greenbelly.co/pages/the-long-trail-vermont-map-thru-hike-planning

The AT intersects Route 4.
NST Map Provided by NPS at https://nps.maps.arcgis.com/apps/webappviewer/index.html?id=d89951079a374f28ab4a3b9fc41025dd

Now I feel much more confident knowing that I can connect these trails!

Finding my Motivations in Childhood Trips to the Appalachian Mountains

 Although I've never been an outdoors person, and I was only recently introduced to the world of hiking, it's undeniable that experiences in my childhood have influenced my desire for travel, exploration, and the mountains. The mountains were special to me as a kid because my dad would take us on winter road trips to North Carolina, West Virginia, and Washington D.C. These times in my life were vastly different from the time I spent with my mother, they were times of excitement, happiness, and of escape from daily life. I got to see snow for the first time, I went skiing, and I experienced the mountains from the roadside. I can barely remember those experiences, but the ones I do remember left their impression on me and sparked a fire inside of me when I learned about the Appalachian Trail. 

We took several trips over the years, mostly in the winter, but some in the summer. I was really scared of mountain roads, and one time the car broke down. Another time there was a fallen tree blocking the road at Dolly Sods, WV, and my dad decided to drive over it. I was terrified. Sometimes we stayed at hotels, other times we stayed at cabins deep in the mountains. I was scared of sleeping in cabins, I thought there were ghosts in the mountains, and I'd look at pictures and see those circles of light and think they were ghosts! I find it silly now, but it was a truly interesting experience. 

One time, there was a road closure at the Blue Ridge Parkway. It turns out that the entire side of the mountain was covered in ice, and that pieces of the ice were falling to the road. There was a big lack of judgement from my dad, who encouraged us to stand right next to the wall, and I'm very lucky to be alive and to not have been impaled by a giant piece of ice! I'd never do that again. But it was beautiful! I'd never seen something so magnificent in my life. Looking over the valley, I could see a frozen waterfall. It was breathtaking. 

One of my stops along the AT will be Grandfather Mountain. It's one of the places we visited on our trips, and I hope to experience it again and actually remember it this time. When we went to West Virginia, we skied for the first time at Blackwater Falls! I was terrified yet it was exhilarating! I fell in love with skiing, and on our next trip we went to Canaan Valley resort. I must have gone on the Bunny slope like 30 times. I was in love with it. 

One time me and my sister, who was 4 years younger than me, got lost at Timberline mountain. We ended up on a black diamond slope, it was very steep and I was really scared. Park rescue came for us and taught us how to form the skis into a pizza shape, and we slowly made our way off the slope. After that, I became more comfortable with the skis, and I went full out on the Bunny slope at Canaan valley. I think I was 13 at the time. I'm going to try to find pictures!

During one of our trips, we were told that there was a lookout peak, I think this was in West Virginia. Well.. this is what I consider my first hike (technically). The road wasn't passable by car, I think because of the weather, so my dad decided to make us walk about a mile up the road to the lookout. I was really tired and hungry and my dad told us that there was a place that sold french fries at the top. I actually believed him!! When we got to the top there wasn't any food! Just an incredible view of the mountains. I need to find the picture. I was so tired that I actually sat down on the ground. I was a picky kid, because of my autism, so this was a big deal for me, sitting on the ground.

During another trip, we hiked to the top of Mt. Mitchell, the highest peak in the Eastern U.S. I can barely remember it, just when we got to the top. It was harder to breathe and my dad was really struggling because he had health issues. I remember going up there was a workout.

We traveled through blizzards a lot, one time we had to stop the car because my dad couldn't see forward. I remember the first time I experienced temperatures below freezing, it was a true sufferfest. And the first time I experienced snow, I can't remember too much, but I remember being very excited. I think I probably ate some off the side of the road. Looking back, it was probably a bad idea! 

I remember going through the Smoky Mountains, visiting caverns in West Virginia, sifting through dirt for gems, eating sloppy joes at this little tiny restaurant in the middle of the mountains in West Virginia, and asking my dad, "what's that smell?" He'd reply, "deer poop." Well, it surely wasn't deer poop!

We explored other places too, once my sisters moved to Nebraska. We went on a road trip to South Dakota and I think this was my first time camping. I remember being very uncomfortable because of the bugs, and I couldn't sleep at night because it was too cold. I remember being miserable, the freezing ground making it impossible to sleep. Now I know it was because I didn't have the right protection. During the South Dakota trip, me and my sister walked through a trail that led to a huge waterfall.

Looking back, I see so many wonderful experiences that changed my life and made it more likely for me to decide to go on this journey. I'm so happy I got to experience all these things, and I'm so eager to go skiing during my trip!!! I can't wait to go to Grandfather Mountain again. I can't wait!

Switching to LighterPack for Main Gear List

Morning! 

I recently learned about LighterPack.com, and although it doesn't provide the specificity and customization that Excel does, I am able to focus on weight more easily and it's easier to set links and organize my stuff. I've decided to use Lighter Pack as my main, sort of big picture gear list, and then when I've figured out my weight, I'll analyze it and figure out seasonal gear switch logistics with the Excel sheet. Since most of my Excel sheet is completed and only needs a few updates, I think I'll switch to this strategy. 

Here's a link to my list: Gear List

The Sea to Sea Route's Montana Roadwalk

I've gotta say.. finding information on the Sea to Sea route has been incredibly difficult. I ransacked Andrew Skurka's website, checked for Backpacker/Outside magazine archives, clicked on links for interviews which gave me page errors, and have done Google searches with no clear answers. This has been frustrating and honestly, a mental workout. Here are some facts I have pieced together:

• Andrew Skurka seemed to have traveled from the Montana border to the Benchmark Campground, located on the Continental Divide Trail. I gather this information from a chart at https://andrewskurka.com/adventures/sea-to-sea-route/overview/.


• The CDT portion of the C2C contains the Bob Marshall Wilderness and the Benchmark campground. Strickland quotes: "A Sea-to-Sea Route backpacker would continue south on the Continental Divide Trail (CDT) to and beyond the Bob Marshall Wilderness to the Benchmark campground. A gap of approximately 900 miles exists east from the Continental Divide National Scenic Trail to Lake Sakakawea and the North Country National Scenic Trail in North Dakota." (Ron Strickland https://ronstrickland.com/sea-to-sea-route/)"
  
  
• Although there is a Lewis & Clark Historic Trail that passes through Montana, it's not a designated hiking trail. The ArcGIS map has a warning stating that the historic trail is not a designated hiking trail and may pass through private property. The trail has two sections which split off from the Montana border: one parallels a lesser traveled country road, the other parallels an interstate, both of which are used to travel the distance by car or bike. If you zoom into the map, you'll see the trail crossing back and forth along the Yellowstone river and it says "approximate."
  
  
• Looking deeper into the Lewis & Clark historic trail, you'll find they list two ways to traverse: car and bike. They point out Adventure Cycling's route, and after much clicking, you'll see that the bike route goes along the trail by using the same roads as cars do.
  
  
• Given this vague diagram from Strickland's website, and the knowledge that the Southern route involves an interstate, we can assume that Skurka took the Northern roadwalk. If we look closely, we see that the path dips to meet the Continental Divide trail and goes along the top half of Montana. This matches nicely with the following map from Adventure Cycling's route corresponding to Section 4: Dickinson, ND to Great Falls, MT (497.1 mi.).
  
  
  
  
  
• Although there is an option of taking the Southern route to Three Forks and then connecting to Butte, a town that is right next to the CDT, we are aware that this involves walking along the interstate and would meet the CDT at a point further to the south. Here's a map from the CDT coalition (to the right). We can see that Butte is very close to the CDT. However, Skurka meets the CDT at the Benchmark campground, according to his overview. This begs the question, from where did he approach the CDT? There doesn't appear to be a road that goes from Great Falls directly to the CDT through the west (click below to enlarge).
  
  
  
  
• Looking at the Adventure Cycling route, we see that there's another section, Section 5: Great Falls, MT to Missoula, MT (470.1 mi.) This route goes south at Great Falls, and then gets really close to the CDT at Helena. This counterintuitive route will go down I-15, another interstate, with an optional (and likely preferable) alternative route (Silver City Alternative) through an 11 mile gravel road. Once you get to Helena, it is a short roadwalk through U.S. 12, which intersects the CDT.
  
  
  
  
  
  
• However, we can find another route that bypasses the interstate by taking road 200 from Simms, which connects to Great Falls by U.S. 89 and a portion of I-15. This route would intersect the CDT at a higher latitude. This route would result in less walking and less time being exposed to the interstate, but it could also be more remote. Note that there are many towns along the interstate, but there really aren't any along road 200.
  
  

Given this information, we can safely assume that Skurka used one of these two routes. Of course, you could just ask him! Just email him, or Ron Strickland?? I'm a very shy person, but I might be inclined to ask. Regardless, I think it's about personal preference and your abilities. It's important to know specific mileage and what you're capable of carrying, as well as where you will find water. You'll also note that there is plenty of water along the interstate, but it also seems like the water could be polluted due to runoff from the road. There are smaller streams along the northern route, which seem like a safer bet. I think maybe someone should ask them!! Maybe I'll gather the courage. Anyways, it's been a long one! I need to get to bed. Night.

One Day at a Time

It's about to be 6 pm, and I'm hoping that there are good deliveries tonight. I guess I haven't really talked about my job and what it entails. I'm a food delivery courier: I deliver food on my bike. I've had this job for several years now, and it's the only job that has given me the space and time to take a break when my mental state isn't at its best. Yet, despite the flexibility that this job comes with, the pay is extremely low, and I'm subject to horrible working conditions. Riding over 15 miles a day in the heat takes a toll on my body, requires more protein and food, more rest for recovery, and exposes me to reckless drivers, air pollution, and extreme UV levels (I live in South Florida). It's tough, and it's especially tough for me because I struggle with autism and complex PTSD. People don't really understand what that's like, especially here in South Florida, where people rev their engines, drive like they don't care, and there are noises and horrible smells everywhere. I've been hit by cars five times and suffered a lot mentally because of it.

I deal with all of this on a daily basis, and it's part of the reason I'm so eager to get on trail. I need to get away from the city, all the noise, the people, and the smells. I want simplicity and solitude, and it's impossible to come by it in this life. The truth is, I'm a pretty smart person, I have a bachelor's degree in biology, and I'm currently working on my second degree through a scholarship. But, despite my intelligence, I lack skills that the normal person finds easy. Things like talking to people, getting through uncomfortable and overwhelming situations, and the like. It's why I haven't found a job in the lab, I just don't think it's doable for me. So I have no choice but to be self employed, and right now it sucks. I'm grateful that I can deliver food and make money; I don't know where I'd be without it! But it's really hard to have a comfortable life, and it's especially hard to save up for my journey when I make so little. 

These past couple of weeks I've worked more than I ever have. I've been very focused on my goal: to make this journey happen. I've biked for miles on end in the sun when I haven't had the legpower to do so, and I feared that I've been overworking my muscles. My anxiety had me running extra miles, and I'm not sure if I can keep this up until my departure, but I know that I have no choice. I'm brainstorming ideas, ways to make income on the trail, and one of these is through selling oil pastel paintings. I love oil pastels, I used them as a kid and I love how they feel and how they blend. I'm hoping that takes off, and that it'll help me save for this journey and continue to support it.

For now, I deliver. I push through those $2 deliveries when I have no choice. I need to save every penny. I must analyze my gear list, find ways to save money, eliminate expenses, and work as hard as I can. I need to try different things, try selling paintings, blogging, YouTube videos. I need to get this done. When I find myself feeling like I need a drink because my 4 mile delivery only gave me $2.50, I must realize that if I spend $4 on a drink, I'm $1.50 behind, and I must say no to myself. If I don't get deliveries for a full hour, and then a $2 delivery comes in, I must say yes, because those $2 mean another 4 days of spaghetti dinner on the trail. 

One day at a time, a dollar at a time, I will push through this, and I'll make it happen. I must believe in myself.

My Gear Sheet (Updated Frequently)

 'Sup!

I thought I should share my inventory chart (excluding food and documents plus other things like satellite subscriptions and trail association memberships). 

Sheets Link (Google Sheets)

Here's a screenshot of my setup.

Finding Inspiration and Knowledge through Andrew Skurka

 There aren't any deliveries at this hour.. so I find myself doing more research for my journey. The first time I heard of Andrew Skurka was by looking up the Sea to Sea route. I visited his website, but I really didn't know much about him. Later, I listened to an interview on Backpacker Radio, and began to appreciate his knowledge and readiness for such journeys. He's much older than me, so at first I found it difficult to relate, but now I see him as an inspiration, and am using his advice to plan my journey. Today I watched his Google talk about gear and knowledge for such adventures, and it was a very insightful talk. I searched through his blog for information on his Sea to Sea trek, but found it lacking in specifics, except for his presentation, which I watched twice. Later, when I heard his interview on BPR, I realized it was probably because he mentioned being young and not having the best gear he could've had at the time. I began to fear the possibility of below freezing temperatures and macerated feet, and this is when the seriousness of this undertaking became very clear to me. I realized that I would need to change my gear for different parts of my journey, and that the true cost of this expedition would be much higher than anticipated.  

I am starting to think of mailing myself gear at certain points, as he mentioned.. the problem is.. I don't have anyone at home to hold it for me.. I would have to purchase the gear during the journey and mail it then. I guess my top priority is being able to afford everything, and then making sure that I made the right choices in gear durability. I admit, I don't know if I can do this. At first I believed anything is possible.. but I start to think about being in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of a field of snow, with temperatures below freezing.. I know that living in the present moment and being mindful is the best solution to this worry. Because despite how scary it may seem, when I'm actually there, when I'm cold and alone, all I will have to do is get through the next moment, and then it'll be day again, and I'll continue on. Nothing is permanent. The snow will thaw.. the landscape will change.. and I won't be snowshoeing forever.

I'm grateful that others have shared their experiences and knowledge, and it makes me feel like this journey is possible. I found out about wet snow versus dry snow, waterproofing and when it wouldn't be ideal, synthetic versus down and how humidity plays a role. I realized that I should focus on seeing historical weather and snow patterns, and tailor my gear towards specific conditions at specific parts of my journey. This complicates everything by a hundred, but I still have months to go, and I am dedicating my life to planning this journey. I'm eager to continue this path, and I trust that it will become easier as I continue my research and planning. I can't fill myself with fear, I must push through it and use my mind to overcome it.

Today I will focus on work, I have been set back in my tent savings because of travel to a therapy appointment, so I'm motivated to push through and build up my gear. I hope today is my first day of not drinking beer. I must believe in myself. Talk to you soon.

-Alex

The Intersection of Ignorance and Narcissism

It's 2 am, and I'm woken up by my mother, who is vigorously attempting to unclog the toilet. She continues to plunge at it, splashing water and microscopic feces into the air, and at this point the entire one-room apartment smells like poop. She doesn't understand the concept of a plunger. 

About five minutes in, five continuous minutes of plunging and the sound of poop water slamming against the toilet walls, I ask "why don't you use your brain?" But she doesn't. She continues to mindlessly plunge the plunger up and down, releasing it from it's grasp on the toilet gutter, therefore releasing the buildup of suction that it provides. 

How does a plunger work? Is this common knowledge? Why doesn't she use her mind to understand what she is doing? Not only she can't acknowledge her blatant ignorance and narcissism regarding her abuse of me as a child, but she also can't use her mind to survive simple daily tasks and safety. 

I could write a list of a hundred things she has done which have been unsafe and potentially deadly. It's hard to believe I grew up with such a person. Now I understand the neglect I faced. Is it stupidity that causes someone to physically harm another? Is it narcissism? Is it a combination of both? I can't be bothered at this hour.

It's been thirty minutes of plunging. She doesn't stop to use her mind. I could unclog the toilet in one minute, but I won't. Anyone who has suffered abuse like I have will understand that I cannot put myself in a position of service to her, the person who took my freedom away from me. I will unclog the toilet when I need to. And don't worry, dear reader, if we ever cross paths, I will happily unclog the toilet for you if you need me to.

I can't sleep. I ran another 3.1 miles last night, after riding about 30 miles in the heat to my therapy appointment, and then returning to do some deliveries so that I could mitigate the damage of what I spent throughout the day. I need to rest and recover, and it's proving difficult. I worry that my legs aren't getting enough rest. I might have to skip my morning 5K tomorrow.. well.. I could just walk it instead. I guess I'll do that. But I might not be able to resist a run. I see how this could easily become an addiction for me.. anyways.. it's been a long way. I'll try to rest.. good night.. or .. morning..

5K in the Rain

 

Today I ran a 5K distance (3.1 miles) in the rain! I felt like it empowered me and made me feel invigorated. I missed out on my daily 5K yesterday, so I knew I had to go for it today. It was good preparation for my journey: rain is expected.

It's my goal to get my 5K under 15 minutes, I hope to achieve this by October. This is the third time I run a 5K distance, and the second time I went full out and managed a 11:00/mi pace. This time I realized I need to slow down a bit and ease myself upwards, so I went with a moderate effort and managed 12:26/mi. I feel that this time was easier distance-wise. Unfortunately I didn't get to climb today because of the rain. Last time my shoes got wet and I slipped on the rock! I almost scraped my face.. it would've been nasty. 

Moving forward, I hope this distance becomes easier, and that I can at least get under 20 minutes. I'd like to be in the top 3 for a 5K I've been eyeing. We'll see what happens. It's important to pace yourself, especially when going for the ultra marathon distance. 

Here are my grade adjusted pace stats.

I am Addicted to Alcohol

 I can't pretend that everything is fine. The truth is that I can't go more than two days without drinking. I am so tired of my life and how things have unfolded. Every time I drink I hate myself even more. I wish I could just stop forever, that I wouldn't need to drink anymore. I guess I just have a hard time dealing with my life and the pain of what happened to me. It's important to accept things, to move forward and try to get better. I can't sit and feel pathetic about it, I must take action. There isn't much else to say.. tonight I fall asleep woozy.. tomorrow morning I wake up feeling self hatred and shame.. I want to break the cycle.. but maybe I just don't believe in myself enough. Time will tell.. maybe this journey will help me.. or maybe I will lose it all because of my addiction.. maybe I will quit.. but.. maybe.. I might just overcome it.

I Will Be Free

I am doing this because I want to be free. Because I have been living the past 6 years of my life in a prison. No, not a literal prison, but a mental and physical prison. I have been living with the person who abused me from birth until the age of 11. My mother. I can barely type the word, no less speak it. The years between age 12 and age 22 were lived through a false lens of happiness, maintained only by the reality that she was not around. Yet despite how I see it when I look back, I remember having nightmares at age 12, and being terrified when she would follow me and my friends as a teenager. I have horrible memories, yet I lived despite them, and I seemed to be happy, but in reality I was messed up. It was just hidden. 

Now the truth is out. I am fully aware of the pain that she caused me. I have lived with it for the past 6 years. I have lived with her. I am still living with her. And the universe has been relentless. Not only have I dealt with what she did to me, I have dealt with the madness of the world and of being different. The pain of isolation and of being abused, not just by her, but by strangers, by friends, and by the people who are supposed to love me. I don't know why I'm still alive. But I do. 

It's for this reason that I am doing this. Because I will be free. Because I am resilient and I will get out of this place. I will leave this life of suffering and I won't ever have to be in it ever again. Even if I die on the mountains. Even if I starve to death, or even if I freeze, I will be free. 

"Be patient and strong, for someday this pain will be useful to you." -Ovid

Preparing to Let Go..

As I delete every item on my inventory that was meant for my dog, I feel like I'm deleting him from my life. I almost feel like giving up right now.. faced with the idea of never seeing him again. I would rather die than keep living like this.. there's nothing else I can do. I will have to say goodbye forever. It burns a hole in my chest.

More Complex Than Originally Expected...

 It's Monday, June 27th 2022. Yesterday I decided that hiking over 16,000 miles to Yosemite National Park is my destiny in life. Today I realize the journey becomes more complicated than I imaged. My dreams started with the intention of hiking the Appalachian trail. Soon enough I was eager to hike the Florida trail, and then, the entire Eastern Continental Trail. Sometime after this, I found out about the Sea to Sea route. All this time.. I've been crying my eyes out.. dreaming of a future where I am free and I can explore the world. I never once doubted my ability or if I would like the journey. Yesterday I found first doubt, I asked myself, "what if I don't like hiking long distances?" "what if it's only exciting from the comfort of my computer screen?" and then I replied, "that's ridiculous. this is my destiny."

This morning I start thinking about logistics. I can't just set off into the unknown for over 2 years without any planning. "I'll learn about the PCT when I'm 1 year into my hike" isn't a good idea. I need to map a timeline, because these things happen in seasons, and I don't want to die. Here comes the problem.. If I finish the International Appalachian Trail around October, or November of 2023.. it gives me an approximate end date for the Sea to Sea of around October 2024.. and.. I asked myself.. what are the conditions like if I start the Sea to Sea in October? The North Country trail will take about 7-8 months at about 20 miles a day, or so they estimate.. Will I be able to cross it during the winter? If I make it to Washington in October I will have to wait until early July to start the PCT.. or can I start earlier? My head is spinning. But this can't stop me. 

What could I do? Should I hike the Ice Age trail? Should I head south along the Continental Divide? I have so many questions, I feel that I am stuck in "analysis paralysis." 

Later...

While I ate my breakfast I decided to map out a rough timeline for the beginning of my journey. The International Appalachian trail will take longer than I had originally expected, and now I see a possibility of getting to the end of the Sea to Sea at a good time to start the PCT. I believe this plan will slowly unfold as I learn more and plan more. Here is an approximate timeline for my journey. (Click to enlarge)

Time to do some laundry and get to work! I've been saving for my tent.

-Alex