One Day at a Time

It's about to be 6 pm, and I'm hoping that there are good deliveries tonight. I guess I haven't really talked about my job and what it entails. I'm a food delivery courier: I deliver food on my bike. I've had this job for several years now, and it's the only job that has given me the space and time to take a break when my mental state isn't at its best. Yet, despite the flexibility that this job comes with, the pay is extremely low, and I'm subject to horrible working conditions. Riding over 15 miles a day in the heat takes a toll on my body, requires more protein and food, more rest for recovery, and exposes me to reckless drivers, air pollution, and extreme UV levels (I live in South Florida). It's tough, and it's especially tough for me because I struggle with autism and complex PTSD. People don't really understand what that's like, especially here in South Florida, where people rev their engines, drive like they don't care, and there are noises and horrible smells everywhere. I've been hit by cars five times and suffered a lot mentally because of it.

I deal with all of this on a daily basis, and it's part of the reason I'm so eager to get on trail. I need to get away from the city, all the noise, the people, and the smells. I want simplicity and solitude, and it's impossible to come by it in this life. The truth is, I'm a pretty smart person, I have a bachelor's degree in biology, and I'm currently working on my second degree through a scholarship. But, despite my intelligence, I lack skills that the normal person finds easy. Things like talking to people, getting through uncomfortable and overwhelming situations, and the like. It's why I haven't found a job in the lab, I just don't think it's doable for me. So I have no choice but to be self employed, and right now it sucks. I'm grateful that I can deliver food and make money; I don't know where I'd be without it! But it's really hard to have a comfortable life, and it's especially hard to save up for my journey when I make so little. 

These past couple of weeks I've worked more than I ever have. I've been very focused on my goal: to make this journey happen. I've biked for miles on end in the sun when I haven't had the legpower to do so, and I feared that I've been overworking my muscles. My anxiety had me running extra miles, and I'm not sure if I can keep this up until my departure, but I know that I have no choice. I'm brainstorming ideas, ways to make income on the trail, and one of these is through selling oil pastel paintings. I love oil pastels, I used them as a kid and I love how they feel and how they blend. I'm hoping that takes off, and that it'll help me save for this journey and continue to support it.

For now, I deliver. I push through those $2 deliveries when I have no choice. I need to save every penny. I must analyze my gear list, find ways to save money, eliminate expenses, and work as hard as I can. I need to try different things, try selling paintings, blogging, YouTube videos. I need to get this done. When I find myself feeling like I need a drink because my 4 mile delivery only gave me $2.50, I must realize that if I spend $4 on a drink, I'm $1.50 behind, and I must say no to myself. If I don't get deliveries for a full hour, and then a $2 delivery comes in, I must say yes, because those $2 mean another 4 days of spaghetti dinner on the trail. 

One day at a time, a dollar at a time, I will push through this, and I'll make it happen. I must believe in myself.

My Gear Sheet (Updated Frequently)

 'Sup!

I thought I should share my inventory chart (excluding food and documents plus other things like satellite subscriptions and trail association memberships). 

Sheets Link (Google Sheets)

Here's a screenshot of my setup.

Finding Inspiration and Knowledge through Andrew Skurka

 There aren't any deliveries at this hour.. so I find myself doing more research for my journey. The first time I heard of Andrew Skurka was by looking up the Sea to Sea route. I visited his website, but I really didn't know much about him. Later, I listened to an interview on Backpacker Radio, and began to appreciate his knowledge and readiness for such journeys. He's much older than me, so at first I found it difficult to relate, but now I see him as an inspiration, and am using his advice to plan my journey. Today I watched his Google talk about gear and knowledge for such adventures, and it was a very insightful talk. I searched through his blog for information on his Sea to Sea trek, but found it lacking in specifics, except for his presentation, which I watched twice. Later, when I heard his interview on BPR, I realized it was probably because he mentioned being young and not having the best gear he could've had at the time. I began to fear the possibility of below freezing temperatures and macerated feet, and this is when the seriousness of this undertaking became very clear to me. I realized that I would need to change my gear for different parts of my journey, and that the true cost of this expedition would be much higher than anticipated.  

I am starting to think of mailing myself gear at certain points, as he mentioned.. the problem is.. I don't have anyone at home to hold it for me.. I would have to purchase the gear during the journey and mail it then. I guess my top priority is being able to afford everything, and then making sure that I made the right choices in gear durability. I admit, I don't know if I can do this. At first I believed anything is possible.. but I start to think about being in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of a field of snow, with temperatures below freezing.. I know that living in the present moment and being mindful is the best solution to this worry. Because despite how scary it may seem, when I'm actually there, when I'm cold and alone, all I will have to do is get through the next moment, and then it'll be day again, and I'll continue on. Nothing is permanent. The snow will thaw.. the landscape will change.. and I won't be snowshoeing forever.

I'm grateful that others have shared their experiences and knowledge, and it makes me feel like this journey is possible. I found out about wet snow versus dry snow, waterproofing and when it wouldn't be ideal, synthetic versus down and how humidity plays a role. I realized that I should focus on seeing historical weather and snow patterns, and tailor my gear towards specific conditions at specific parts of my journey. This complicates everything by a hundred, but I still have months to go, and I am dedicating my life to planning this journey. I'm eager to continue this path, and I trust that it will become easier as I continue my research and planning. I can't fill myself with fear, I must push through it and use my mind to overcome it.

Today I will focus on work, I have been set back in my tent savings because of travel to a therapy appointment, so I'm motivated to push through and build up my gear. I hope today is my first day of not drinking beer. I must believe in myself. Talk to you soon.

-Alex

The Intersection of Ignorance and Narcissism

It's 2 am, and I'm woken up by my mother, who is vigorously attempting to unclog the toilet. She continues to plunge at it, splashing water and microscopic feces into the air, and at this point the entire one-room apartment smells like poop. She doesn't understand the concept of a plunger. 

About five minutes in, five continuous minutes of plunging and the sound of poop water slamming against the toilet walls, I ask "why don't you use your brain?" But she doesn't. She continues to mindlessly plunge the plunger up and down, releasing it from it's grasp on the toilet gutter, therefore releasing the buildup of suction that it provides. 

How does a plunger work? Is this common knowledge? Why doesn't she use her mind to understand what she is doing? Not only she can't acknowledge her blatant ignorance and narcissism regarding her abuse of me as a child, but she also can't use her mind to survive simple daily tasks and safety. 

I could write a list of a hundred things she has done which have been unsafe and potentially deadly. It's hard to believe I grew up with such a person. Now I understand the neglect I faced. Is it stupidity that causes someone to physically harm another? Is it narcissism? Is it a combination of both? I can't be bothered at this hour.

It's been thirty minutes of plunging. She doesn't stop to use her mind. I could unclog the toilet in one minute, but I won't. Anyone who has suffered abuse like I have will understand that I cannot put myself in a position of service to her, the person who took my freedom away from me. I will unclog the toilet when I need to. And don't worry, dear reader, if we ever cross paths, I will happily unclog the toilet for you if you need me to.

I can't sleep. I ran another 3.1 miles last night, after riding about 30 miles in the heat to my therapy appointment, and then returning to do some deliveries so that I could mitigate the damage of what I spent throughout the day. I need to rest and recover, and it's proving difficult. I worry that my legs aren't getting enough rest. I might have to skip my morning 5K tomorrow.. well.. I could just walk it instead. I guess I'll do that. But I might not be able to resist a run. I see how this could easily become an addiction for me.. anyways.. it's been a long way. I'll try to rest.. good night.. or .. morning..

5K in the Rain

 

Today I ran a 5K distance (3.1 miles) in the rain! I felt like it empowered me and made me feel invigorated. I missed out on my daily 5K yesterday, so I knew I had to go for it today. It was good preparation for my journey: rain is expected.

It's my goal to get my 5K under 15 minutes, I hope to achieve this by October. This is the third time I run a 5K distance, and the second time I went full out and managed a 11:00/mi pace. This time I realized I need to slow down a bit and ease myself upwards, so I went with a moderate effort and managed 12:26/mi. I feel that this time was easier distance-wise. Unfortunately I didn't get to climb today because of the rain. Last time my shoes got wet and I slipped on the rock! I almost scraped my face.. it would've been nasty. 

Moving forward, I hope this distance becomes easier, and that I can at least get under 20 minutes. I'd like to be in the top 3 for a 5K I've been eyeing. We'll see what happens. It's important to pace yourself, especially when going for the ultra marathon distance. 

Here are my grade adjusted pace stats.

I am Addicted to Alcohol

 I can't pretend that everything is fine. The truth is that I can't go more than two days without drinking. I am so tired of my life and how things have unfolded. Every time I drink I hate myself even more. I wish I could just stop forever, that I wouldn't need to drink anymore. I guess I just have a hard time dealing with my life and the pain of what happened to me. It's important to accept things, to move forward and try to get better. I can't sit and feel pathetic about it, I must take action. There isn't much else to say.. tonight I fall asleep woozy.. tomorrow morning I wake up feeling self hatred and shame.. I want to break the cycle.. but maybe I just don't believe in myself enough. Time will tell.. maybe this journey will help me.. or maybe I will lose it all because of my addiction.. maybe I will quit.. but.. maybe.. I might just overcome it.

I Will Be Free

I am doing this because I want to be free. Because I have been living the past 6 years of my life in a prison. No, not a literal prison, but a mental and physical prison. I have been living with the person who abused me from birth until the age of 11. My mother. I can barely type the word, no less speak it. The years between age 12 and age 22 were lived through a false lens of happiness, maintained only by the reality that she was not around. Yet despite how I see it when I look back, I remember having nightmares at age 12, and being terrified when she would follow me and my friends as a teenager. I have horrible memories, yet I lived despite them, and I seemed to be happy, but in reality I was messed up. It was just hidden. 

Now the truth is out. I am fully aware of the pain that she caused me. I have lived with it for the past 6 years. I have lived with her. I am still living with her. And the universe has been relentless. Not only have I dealt with what she did to me, I have dealt with the madness of the world and of being different. The pain of isolation and of being abused, not just by her, but by strangers, by friends, and by the people who are supposed to love me. I don't know why I'm still alive. But I do. 

It's for this reason that I am doing this. Because I will be free. Because I am resilient and I will get out of this place. I will leave this life of suffering and I won't ever have to be in it ever again. Even if I die on the mountains. Even if I starve to death, or even if I freeze, I will be free. 

"Be patient and strong, for someday this pain will be useful to you." -Ovid

Preparing to Let Go..

As I delete every item on my inventory that was meant for my dog, I feel like I'm deleting him from my life. I almost feel like giving up right now.. faced with the idea of never seeing him again. I would rather die than keep living like this.. there's nothing else I can do. I will have to say goodbye forever. It burns a hole in my chest.

More Complex Than Originally Expected...

 It's Monday, June 27th 2022. Yesterday I decided that hiking over 16,000 miles to Yosemite National Park is my destiny in life. Today I realize the journey becomes more complicated than I imaged. My dreams started with the intention of hiking the Appalachian trail. Soon enough I was eager to hike the Florida trail, and then, the entire Eastern Continental Trail. Sometime after this, I found out about the Sea to Sea route. All this time.. I've been crying my eyes out.. dreaming of a future where I am free and I can explore the world. I never once doubted my ability or if I would like the journey. Yesterday I found first doubt, I asked myself, "what if I don't like hiking long distances?" "what if it's only exciting from the comfort of my computer screen?" and then I replied, "that's ridiculous. this is my destiny."

This morning I start thinking about logistics. I can't just set off into the unknown for over 2 years without any planning. "I'll learn about the PCT when I'm 1 year into my hike" isn't a good idea. I need to map a timeline, because these things happen in seasons, and I don't want to die. Here comes the problem.. If I finish the International Appalachian Trail around October, or November of 2023.. it gives me an approximate end date for the Sea to Sea of around October 2024.. and.. I asked myself.. what are the conditions like if I start the Sea to Sea in October? The North Country trail will take about 7-8 months at about 20 miles a day, or so they estimate.. Will I be able to cross it during the winter? If I make it to Washington in October I will have to wait until early July to start the PCT.. or can I start earlier? My head is spinning. But this can't stop me. 

What could I do? Should I hike the Ice Age trail? Should I head south along the Continental Divide? I have so many questions, I feel that I am stuck in "analysis paralysis." 

Later...

While I ate my breakfast I decided to map out a rough timeline for the beginning of my journey. The International Appalachian trail will take longer than I had originally expected, and now I see a possibility of getting to the end of the Sea to Sea at a good time to start the PCT. I believe this plan will slowly unfold as I learn more and plan more. Here is an approximate timeline for my journey. (Click to enlarge)

Time to do some laundry and get to work! I've been saving for my tent.

-Alex