I Will Be Free

I am doing this because I want to be free. Because I have been living the past 6 years of my life in a prison. No, not a literal prison, but a mental and physical prison. I have been living with the person who abused me from birth until the age of 11. My mother. I can barely type the word, no less speak it. The years between age 12 and age 22 were lived through a false lens of happiness, maintained only by the reality that she was not around. Yet despite how I see it when I look back, I remember having nightmares at age 12, and being terrified when she would follow me and my friends as a teenager. I have horrible memories, yet I lived despite them, and I seemed to be happy, but in reality I was messed up. It was just hidden. 

Now the truth is out. I am fully aware of the pain that she caused me. I have lived with it for the past 6 years. I have lived with her. I am still living with her. And the universe has been relentless. Not only have I dealt with what she did to me, I have dealt with the madness of the world and of being different. The pain of isolation and of being abused, not just by her, but by strangers, by friends, and by the people who are supposed to love me. I don't know why I'm still alive. But I do. 

It's for this reason that I am doing this. Because I will be free. Because I am resilient and I will get out of this place. I will leave this life of suffering and I won't ever have to be in it ever again. Even if I die on the mountains. Even if I starve to death, or even if I freeze, I will be free. 

"Be patient and strong, for someday this pain will be useful to you." -Ovid