One Day at a Time

It's about to be 6 pm, and I'm hoping that there are good deliveries tonight. I guess I haven't really talked about my job and what it entails. I'm a food delivery courier: I deliver food on my bike. I've had this job for several years now, and it's the only job that has given me the space and time to take a break when my mental state isn't at its best. Yet, despite the flexibility that this job comes with, the pay is extremely low, and I'm subject to horrible working conditions. Riding over 15 miles a day in the heat takes a toll on my body, requires more protein and food, more rest for recovery, and exposes me to reckless drivers, air pollution, and extreme UV levels (I live in South Florida). It's tough, and it's especially tough for me because I struggle with autism and complex PTSD. People don't really understand what that's like, especially here in South Florida, where people rev their engines, drive like they don't care, and there are noises and horrible smells everywhere. I've been hit by cars five times and suffered a lot mentally because of it.

I deal with all of this on a daily basis, and it's part of the reason I'm so eager to get on trail. I need to get away from the city, all the noise, the people, and the smells. I want simplicity and solitude, and it's impossible to come by it in this life. The truth is, I'm a pretty smart person, I have a bachelor's degree in biology, and I'm currently working on my second degree through a scholarship. But, despite my intelligence, I lack skills that the normal person finds easy. Things like talking to people, getting through uncomfortable and overwhelming situations, and the like. It's why I haven't found a job in the lab, I just don't think it's doable for me. So I have no choice but to be self employed, and right now it sucks. I'm grateful that I can deliver food and make money; I don't know where I'd be without it! But it's really hard to have a comfortable life, and it's especially hard to save up for my journey when I make so little. 

These past couple of weeks I've worked more than I ever have. I've been very focused on my goal: to make this journey happen. I've biked for miles on end in the sun when I haven't had the legpower to do so, and I feared that I've been overworking my muscles. My anxiety had me running extra miles, and I'm not sure if I can keep this up until my departure, but I know that I have no choice. I'm brainstorming ideas, ways to make income on the trail, and one of these is through selling oil pastel paintings. I love oil pastels, I used them as a kid and I love how they feel and how they blend. I'm hoping that takes off, and that it'll help me save for this journey and continue to support it.

For now, I deliver. I push through those $2 deliveries when I have no choice. I need to save every penny. I must analyze my gear list, find ways to save money, eliminate expenses, and work as hard as I can. I need to try different things, try selling paintings, blogging, YouTube videos. I need to get this done. When I find myself feeling like I need a drink because my 4 mile delivery only gave me $2.50, I must realize that if I spend $4 on a drink, I'm $1.50 behind, and I must say no to myself. If I don't get deliveries for a full hour, and then a $2 delivery comes in, I must say yes, because those $2 mean another 4 days of spaghetti dinner on the trail. 

One day at a time, a dollar at a time, I will push through this, and I'll make it happen. I must believe in myself.